Friday, February 09, 2007

write back.

im tempted to write again. i almost missed u my old friend but there just didnt seem the need to jot down anything. as all friends do, i turn to u agen in my darkest hour. comply.
im not sure what this post is going to be about. i just know there is a need to pour my heart out agen, cleanse my soul of pain and dispair by wringing it all out, that strange yet familiar feeling of being let down by somebody u trust, the un-nerving knowloedge that nothing is as predictable as change, that shared bhel puri's and cinema hall cuddles and what seems like a lifetime of absolute and complete annexure of ur body, mind and soul by someone, does not mean you will nevr become too jaded, too uninspiring, too unworthy of thier affections.
im thinking of possible titles for this post:
"what your chat friend can do for you that your boyfriend cannot"? has a nice ring to it if i may say so myself.
"distance"? too vague but i know what i mean. anywy. my mind's too insipid
to think of titles right now.
its good that u let me ramble on. i dont have to make sense, no constant need to appear coherent and in control.appreciated, that.
i alwyz thought the whole lonely women sitting in front of the tv consuming ridiulous amounts of junk food and coke thing was a hollywood invention. i've found out that it's not. well it doesnt work the same way for me but thats maybe because im not a woman. so i guess it makes sense that the opposite happens for me. the appetite is non-existant though. the taste buds died a painless death around the same time. i wonder how i'd get by without ciggarettes. i eat of course, but there's no desire to eat anymore.gotta keep those muscles in shape if i have to meet someone all over sick joke of mine.
thats the great thing about black humor though isnt it. u can almost entice a laugh out of somebody else with it, and still feel like shit urself. not that i want to. oh no, that i hate myself phase is long gone. i really quite like myself these days. cleaned up my act, got a job, studying hard, reading a lot, and havng my fun too. my dad wld be proud but im doing it for myself really. strangely, that just makes it all the more difficult to understand how this couldve happened. i mean i thought i was becoming a better guy, how can u fall out of love with a better man than the one u fell in love with? love's quite the whore.
glasgow itself is quite a trip. cold people, minus temperatures, watered down alcohol whichevr pub u go to. the sub-culture and the coffe house intelligentia i hoped to meet were but figments of my own imagination. i still hope though. i have to say , the volume of the let-down certainly helped me buckle down and concentrate more on the practicalities of life. i even like my job. wch is unexpected.
i wonder what my friends are doing. very glad that fat boi is coming to strathclyde uni. i really miss our conversations. i miss conversation really. havent met an intelligent soul in five months.
im still not sure how the whole racial divide thing works out. most folks are nice to you, but somewhere deep deep inside, u can feel it. some sort of reluctance, paranoia even, to accept, embrace, imbibe different cultures. funny thing though is how snobbish the indians born n raised here are. they actually make a bigger show of avoiding you than the white folks. tony blair aftr all is the master of political correctness. the people take after the king.
i sympathise with them though, the ones brought up here. it must have been hard being accepted in a foreign land, especially growing up, with ur parents singing a diffrnt tune, and so much going on in the playgrounds of adolescence that they would nevr understand. yu dont want whatevr semblance of belonging youve built up to crash to the ground because you resemble this newly arrived, hugely different person from the sub-continent, open mouthed and staring. its hard to shake off a label; theyre merely protecting themselves.
amazing how therapeutic writing can be! i'm not even talking about her anymore. something i thought would be impossible at the onset. think i'll go have a smoke. just dont rain on me, sunshine.


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